ITALIAN HUSBAND OF A FILIPINA marito italiano di una filippina

ITALIAN HUSBAND OF A FILIPINA marito italiano di una filippina

Posts in English, Tagalog and Italian About How to have a Successful Marriage and About the Philippines and its Culture BLOG IN INGLESE, ITALIANO E TAGALOG SU COME AVERE SUCCESSO NEL MATRIMONIO E SULLE FILIPPINE E LA SUA CULTURA

Cosa cerca una donna in un uomo?

Se esistesse la possibilità di convincere una donna a fare una lista nero su bianco delle cose che lei si aspetta da un marito il 99% dei problemi coniugali probabilmente sparirebbe.

Il problema è che non funziona esattamente così: una donna non si presenterà mai dal marito con una specie di “lista della spesa” in cui è chiaramente scritto nero su bianco cosa lei si aspetta che il marito faccia.

Benché questo semplificherebbe di molto il compito di un marito, la mia esperienza mi insegna che la donna si aspetta che il marito acquisisca un adeguato grado di sensibilità che gli permetta di decifrare le miriadi di segnali, spesso contraddittori, che la moglie trasmette.

Io ci ho impiegato anni a mettere giù una lista di quelle che ho compreso essere le cose che mia moglie si aspetta da me.

In realtà c’è una cosa che sono riuscito a capire prima ancora di sposarmi, il resto ci ho impiegato anni a capirlo.

La cosa che sono riuscito a capire prima di sposarmi, circa quello che rende un uomo attraente agli occhi di una donna, è che le donne sembrano essere particolarmente attratte da un uomo che ha tante opzioni o, in altre parole, un uomo che trasmette l’immagine di uno che non ha bisogno di entrare in una relazione con quella donna in particolare per essere felice.

Non mi riferisco necessariamente ad un uomo talmente affascinante da potersi permettere di scegliere la donna che vuole. Non è questo il concetto. Quello di cui sto parlando è un uomo che non ha particolarmente bisogno di essere in una relazione per avere una vita felice e significativa.

Il motivo per cui sono giunto a questa conclusione è che quando ho conosciuto mia moglie, benché fossi attratto da lei, non avevo nessuna intenzione di stravolgere la mia vita che aveva raggiunto il top della soddisfazione.

Facevo volontariato internazionale, giravo il mondo e facevo viaggi all’estero anche tre volte l’anno, avevo una grande passione per l’escursionismo, stavo mettendo da parte diversi soldini…. insomma non avevo intenzione di stravolgere la mia confortevole situazione e opponevo molta resistenza all’idea di sposarmi.

E questa è stata una delle cose che, secondo me, mi ha reso attraente agli occhi di mia moglie, cioè il fatto che trasmettevo l’idea di quello che non entra in una relazione per soddisfare una fame emotiva. Francamente stavo bene e non avevo alcun bisogno di sposarmi.

La fase che ha preceduto il mio fidanzamento mi ha quindi insegnato (almeno questa è la conclusione che ho tratto) che

  • Le donne sembrano essere particolarmente attratte da un uomo che ha uno scopo nella vita che è più grande di una relazione sentimentale

La seconda conclusione che ho tratto (dopo anni) circa ciò che una donna desidera in un uomo è collegata a ciò che dicevo nell’introduzione e cioè che

  • Una donna desidera che sia l’uomo ad interpretare ciò di cui lei ha bisogno e non sarà mai lei a dirglielo o a metterglielo nero su bianco
  • Una donna cerca un uomo che soddisfi il suo bisogno di connessione emotiva quando lei ne ha bisogno e che sia disposto a lasciar perdere impegni urgenti per darle questa connessione quando serve a lei e non quando lui è libero

Venerdì scorso ho praticamente dovuto lasciar perdere una chat con un potenziale cliente che poteva portarmi del lavoro importante perché mia moglie aveva bisogno di un massaggio….

  • Per una donna le piccole cose contano più delle grandi cose

Se volessi fare una lista di esempi dovrei scrivere un libro più che un post però, tanto per fare un esempio spicciolo, potrei menzionare il fatto che, nella mia logica di uomo razionale, se io mi alzo la mattina presto e lavoro tutto il giorno ci può anche stare che nella fretta dimentico di chiudere il coperchio della tazza del wc. Il coperchio della tazza del wc è una piccola cosa nei confronti del lavoro a tempo pieno che faccio per la famiglia (anche mia moglie lavora, sto solo facendo un esempio per mettere in risalto il concetto) però la mia esperienza mi insegna che per una donna una cosa grossa come il fatto di aver lavorato tutto il giorno può diventare insignificante se ci si è scordati la “piccola” cosa di chiudere il coperchio della tazza.

  • Una donna vuole essere ascoltata e non vuole soluzioni

Questo è un concetto che si trova più o meno in tutti i libri sulle relazioni e confermo che le cose stanno effettivamente così e devo anche dire che per un uomo abituato a cercare soluzioni ai problemi questo concetto è più facile da capire che da applicare.

Bene, queste sono alcune delle idee che mi sono fatto circa ciò che una donna desidera in un uomo.

In futuro cercherò di allungare la lista….AdvertisementsREPORT THIS ADAdvertisementsREPORT THIS AD

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Kawayan or Bamboo in the Philippines

While in the Philippines I was amazed at how resistant and how versatile bamboo can be.

Filipinos use it everywhere: I have seen bamboo poles on the sides of the boats I took to get to the One Hundred Islands, the one I took on Lake Taal as well as in other places.

One common feature with many boats in the Philippines are the long bamboo stabilizers fitted to either side of the boat.

Also in the Philippines there are plenty of bahay kubo which are made of bamboo or kawayan and kugon or cogon grass.

The last time I was in the Philippines a bahay kubo was being built in the backyard of our house in barangay Pinaod, San Ildefonso Bulacan and I was amazed at how tough and resistant kawayan is.

Bahay kubo

Filipinos are so closely tied to bamboo that they have their own mythology about how man came from bamboo:

“there was a bird that flew incessantly between the sea and sky, unable to find a place to alight and rest. To add intrigue, the bird sparked a quarrel between the sea and the sky. It told the sky that the sea had designs of rising and drowning the sky; the sky replied it would fight such a move by hurling rocks and islands to hold the sea down, a statement the bird conveyed to the sea, provoking it to lash waves at the sky. The sky retaliated with rocks until, weighed down with islands, the sea no longer proved a threat. The bird then alighted happily on a protruding rock.

While it was resting, a bamboo node washed ashore and nudged the bird’s feet. The bird shifted a little. The bamboo nudged its feet again, and again the bird shifted. This went on until the bird, in anger, pecked at the bamboo, breaking it open. Out of the bamboo node emerged the first man. From the second node emerged a woman. Obtaining permission from the gods, the couple had many children. All grew up idle, doing nothing to help their parents until the father angrily picked up a stout stick and threatened to beat them all, sending them scampering in terror. Some ran out of the house, others fled to the bedroom, a few cowered in the living room, some hid in the kitchen and some among soot-covered cooking pots. Those children who entered the bedroom sired the chief and datos; those in the living room became free men; descendants of those who hid in the kitchen became slaves; while those blackened by the cooking pots produced the Aetas. From those who fled the house never to return descended all the people from other parts of the world” (source “Culture-shock Philippines” by Alfredo and Grace Roces-Chapter 2)

Maybe the only way to break open a matigas na ulo is by using bamboo….

Close to my wife’s town is the city of Meycauayan. I thought that it meant may kawayan (there is bamboo here) but I didn’t see much kawayan there….but I didn’t see any bakla in Baclaran either….

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What Women Want in a Man

The reason why I am addressing this topic is because I entered my relationship without having any clues about how relationships work and about how women think and what they really want.

I had to figure it out years down the road and this caused me a lot of unnecessary problems.

There is actually one thing I figured out before committing and that is that women are incredibly drawn to men who have plenty of options and don’t actually need a relationship to be happy.

I was that way at age 32, when I met the Filipina who 5 years later became my wife: getting married and setting up a family was the very last thing I wanted because my life was very very comfortable. I could afford to travel abroad up to three times a year, I was saving up for the future, I was engaged in a very rewarding international volunteer work and I had plenty of free time for my passions like hiking and a bunch of other things that were filling my life with a lot of pleasure.

So I was not really desperate about getting married, let alone having kids.

When I bumped into the woman whom I eventually married I basically told her that I liked her a lot but I didn’t want to give up my freedom.

What I started noticing was that the more I tried to push her away the more attractive I became which led me to draw my first conclusion about what women want in a man:

  • they want a man who is not needy and who has plenty of options

In other words they want a man whose life is much bigger than the relationship itself, a man who will not fall into the darkness of despair should his wife die or leave him, precisely because his life and life purpose are more than the relationship itself.

This was the first and only insight that I had about what women want in a man before even committing to my wife.

But apart from this early insight there a lot of things that I had to figure out by trial and error years down the road.

After only about one year of marriage, it became pretty obvious that I was not really meeting my wife’s needs.

I used to think that if I only could get my wife to give me a list of what she wanted then I would have given her everything she wanted on a silver platter.

I started to naively push my wife to spend long weekends together once in a while and I tried countless times, to no avail, to get her to use these opportunities to get clear about what we wanted from each other and I was suggesting to her to sit down and take pen and paper so that she would give me a list of what she really expected of me and I would do the same, such that we could get crystal clear about what we expected of each other.

This never happened (and never will).

  • I realized that women want their man to figure out what they want and they will never be the ones to give you a “grocery” list of the things they want so that you can effortlessly know what these things are and give them to her.

We did actually have plenty of long weekends together but I never managed during those weekends to get her to do what I thought was right, namely to get clear once and for all about what we both wanted and write it down on a “list”

So, after years of chasing my tail around in circles, the second conclusion I was able to draw about what women want in a man is that they want a man who has enough sensitivity to figure out for himself what they want and need. Directly asking them pushes them away.

Another insight that I have acquired is that for a woman

  • little things are more important than big ones

A little thing that drives my wife crazy, if I fail to do it, is that she wants me to always, and I mean always, close the lid of the toilet’s bowl no matter how early I wake up to go to work, how in a hurry I am because I have to rush to work and how many hours I need to work.

In my mind if I am making the huge sacrifice to get up early and support the family I can afford to neglect a little thing like closing the lid of the toilet’s bowl. Not so from the standpoint of my wife! The huge sacrifices I make for the family count for absolutely nothing if I fail to honor the little things that are important to her.

Another thing that, based on my experience, women want in a man is:

  • they want a man willing to give them emotional connection when they need it not when he is ready and they want a man who is willing to push aside even important things like necessary and urgent work

Last Friday night, for example, I received a very important WhatsApp message from a potential new client but, between 9 and 10 pm, I usually give my wife a massage. Well, she made it clear that in that moment the massage was more important than getting that new client…

  • Presence of mind: we got a new dog and my wife is trying hard to train this unruly dog and she needs me to watch if there is any cats around when we walk the dog but I forget and I forget and I forget and get distracted and she can’t stand it.
  • They want to be heard and they don’t want a man to give them solutions

and all the more so because my wife is Filipino.
She comes from a culture where men themselves don’t think in terms of solutions and are rather emotional so offering solutions to an emotional Filipina and trying to get her to think in rational terms when all she needs is emotional connection doesn’t work. It doesn’t work with a Filipina and I am assuming that it doesn’t work with women in general.

  • They don’t like when you measure what they blame on you against what they are doing wrong or in other words they hate it when you make them wrong in response to their lashing out.

They can make you wrong all day long but you are not supposed to mention a single thing they did wrong.

This is, more or less, the list of things that, based on my experience with a Filipino wife and on my personal judgement, women want in a man, or at least what my wife wants in a man, which, I assume, applies by extention to more or less all relationships.

I will create a part 2 of this post should I come up with more insights….

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Barbecue (BBQ) in the Philippines and Among Filipinos in Italy

In the Philippines it is all about food and the expressions kumain ka na? (“have you eaten?”) and kain ka (“have some food”) or “meryenda ka” are the expressions that immediately follow kumusta ka? (“how are you?”) when you visit a Filipino home.

This happens both in the Philippines and among OFW in my country.

Filipinos love food and every street in the Philippines is lined with food stalls and eateries.

Both in the Philippines and in my country Filipinos have social gatherings or salu-salo as often as they can.

In winter salu-salos take place indoors while between spring and autumn Filipinos who live in Rome take advantage of the fact that Rome has plenty of parks and that the weather is, more often than not, ideal to gather outside and mag-ihaw or prepare barbecue marinade.

The basic ingredients used to make barbecue marinade, at least the way they do it here, and the way my Filipino wife does it, are soy sauce, ground black pepper, lemon juice, banana ketchup, garlic, onion and brown sugar.

Filipinos just love it.

The problem is that, for most Filipinos here in Rome, BBQ is something that they cannot afford to do as often as they do it in the Philippines because they live in apartments and, although most apartments here in Rome do have a balcony or a terrace, chances are that neighbors will complain if Filipinos dare using their balcony to BBQ, as Italians like hanging their clothes on the balcony and they hate wearing “smoked” clothes.

The only Filipinos who can BBQ on their terraces or balconies are the ones who have the luck to live on the last floor of an apartment building, in a penthouse (that can be hard to find in Rome and pretty expensive).

A typical apartment building in Rome

What’s the solution then?

There is no other option then than either wait for warmer days and BBQ in a park or buy an electric grill, one of those that can even be used indoors.

My wife and I have one and it does its job, this way my Filipino wife’s cravings for BBQ are satisfied all-year-round…

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El “FiliBOTErismo”

Ako ay ang Italyanong asawa ng isang Pilipina at interesado ako sa wikang Tagalog.

Halos binasa ko ang buong Tagalog edition ng “Noli Me Tangere”.

Maaari ko sanang basahin ito sa sariling wika ko dahil available ang Noli sa Italyano, pero binili ko ang Tagalog version sa National Book Store sa isang mall sa Maynila para mag practice ng Tagalog.

Binili ko rin ang “El Filibusterismo” at iyon ang next one in line na babasahin ko.

Ngunit napansin ko na, bukod sa El Filibusterismo, sa Pilipinas mayroon din “el filiBOTErismo” at mayroon maraming mga filiBOTErista na mahilig sa maBOTEng kwentuan…(biro lang)

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Ang mga Benepisyo ng Pagligo sa Malamig na Tubig

Isa sa mga layunin ng blog ko ay upang ipakipag-usap ang tungkol sa kahalagahan ng enerhya at mabuting kalusugan upang tamasahin ang isang matagumpay na pag-aasawa.

Yamang ang pinakasusi para maging matagumpay ang isang romantikong relasyon ay ang pagbibigay kailangan na nasa posisyon tayo upang gampanan ang papel ng tagapagbigay.

Upang mangyari iyon kailangang ingatan natin hindi lang ang ating kalusugan kundi pati ang energy level natin.

Kahit medyo mahirap paniwalaan natuklasan ko na, ayon sa maraming dalubhasa, ang pagligo sa malamig na tubig ay nagluluwal ng maraming mainam na mga resulta:

  • Mas mainam ang sirkulasyon ng dugo
  • Mas malakas ang immune system
  • Mas madaling pumayat

At iba pa…

Hindi ako masyadong nagresearch pero sinusubukan kong gawin iyon at talagang gumagana: nadarama ko mas maraming enerhya at sa taglamig na ito hindi ako nagkasakit kahit isang beses bagaman naligo ako sa lawa mula noong Oktubre hanggang Enero!

Tutal tinutularan ko ang mga Pilipino at nagdadala ako ng kaunting pampainit (pero hindi kaunti-container…)

Sa isang lawa na malapit sa Roma sa araw ng Enero 21…ang lamig!

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Salute e vitalità nel matrimonio: gli insospettabili benefici del bagno in acqua fredda

Lago di Bracciano: 21 Gennaio 2010. Dicono che l’acqua gelida rafforzi le difese immunitarie….
Lago di Bracciano

Una delle qualità indispensabili per godere di un matrimonio felice è praticare il dare.

Per poter praticare il dare non bastano le intenzioni ma bisogna mettersi anche nella posizione di poterlo fare e uno dei modi è quello di avere abbondanza di energia e vitalità.

È stato detto che il ‘successo è il risultato di mosse controintuitive’ e questo si applica anche alla salute.

Per quanto possa sembrare strano alcuni esperti dicono che fare la doccia gelida e fare il bagno in acqua fredda migliorino la circolazione, rafforzino il sistema immunitario e contribuiscano ad elevare il livello di benessere anche psicologico (https://hiperformance.it/benefici-acqua-fredda/)

Io non mi preoccupo molto di approfondire questi studi: lo faccio e basta…e funziona!

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Swimming in January: the Bright Side of Global Warming!

I used to think that swimming between early March and December qualifies as winter swimming.

Nothing could be further from the truth! There are people (including a fellow blogger from Ireland) who swim in Northern Europe in mid-January so why should I wait until March to cool down a little bit?

So here I am at Lake Bracciano near Rome, Italy, taking advantage of the mild weather that characterizes this unusual winter…

Anguillara Sabazia, Italy: January 21th 2020, 2pm!

Lago di Bracciano, Italy

Winter swimming is not only fun but (apparently) also beneficial.

According to a number of experts it is beneficial in a number of ways:

Since health, energy and vitality are the fuel of an amazing relationship why not try cold plunges to boost your immune system, your vitality and your overall happiness and well being?

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How to Avoid Arguing in a Relationship

When I feel the urge to argue I remind myself that my wife and I are on the same boat

When I use the English word relationship to talk about my marriage (I can do so in three languages but, because most material I have read on intimate relationships is in English, the English language is my language of choice when it comes to this particular domain of life) my focus goes on the last four letters that make up this word.

What is the wise thing to do if the (relation)ship is sinking? Is it finding fault with our (relation)ship mate? Will proving our (relation)ship mate wrong and ourselves right keep the (relation)ship from sinking?

The idea of being on the same boat (or on the same ship: I am in a relationship with a Filipina and she comes from a country where the kin-group culture is rather strong so I need a ‘larger vessel’ to also accomodate my wife’s extended family…) with my partner and the (relation)shipmetaphor (I think I heard this metaphor from Tony Robbins) are powerful ways to remind myself, over and over again, that it doesn’t make any sense to argue about who is right and who is wrong in an intimate relationship.

I rather put my attention on what can be done to direct the (relation)ship to the beautiful destination we both want to get to, who did something wrong doesn’t matter as long as we both work in unison to correct our course.

I once heard a great illustration: the past is like the wake of a boat. The wake does not direct the boat, rather it’s the rudder, it’s the one who is at the helm.

Attacking our partner for what he or she did wrong is like staring at the trail that is left behind rather than controlling the rudder.

What our (relation)ship mate did wrong is nothing but a trail that is left behind: staring at it (by dwelling on it and arguing about it) is pointless and dangerous…

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Contrasti paesaggistici e climatici nelle Filippine: dai tropici alle foreste di pini in due ore!

Nella parte centro-settentrionale dell’isola di Luzon, la principale delle isole che compongono l’arcipelago delle Filippine, esiste una zona, compresa tra le province di Pangasinan, La Union e Benguet, dove si può passare da scenari tipicamente tropicali, con tanto di spiagge bianche e scogliere coralline, ad un microclima temperato dove si possono trovare chalet in stile alpino e boschi di pino in circa due o tre ore.

In teoria questo sbalzo climatico si può anche fare in un’oretta circa partendo dalla costa della provincia di La Union e raggiungendo Baguio City, a circa 1500 metri di altezza, dove il clima e la vegetazione hanno poco a che fare con il contesto tropicale della fascia costiera.

Tuttavia, dato che le spiagge di La Union non sono il massimo, se si vuole veramente vedere il contrasto tra scenari da paradiso esotico e scenari quasi alpini, conviene partire da Bolinao e le One Hundred Islands, nella provincia di Pangasinan, per poi arrivare a Baguio che dista più o meno due o tre ore di auto.

Gran parte delle Filippine è caratterizzata dalla massiccia presenza di montagne, tuttavia la Cordillera, dove si trova Baguio City, la capitale estiva delle Filippine, è caratterizzata da un clima che ricorda molto quello delle zone temperate e da scenari di tipo “europeo”. Tutto ciò a pochi chilometri dalla sabbia bianca e gli isolotti corallini di Pangasinan.

Un motivo in più per scegliere le Filippine per le proprie vacanze esotiche!

Foreste di pini e chalet a Baguio City
Sabbia bianca alle One Hundred Islands

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Published by Kristel Del Valle

Manila based Young Tall Thin Filipina Asian Fashion Model with exceptional English language fluency Manila based Fashion Photo Shoots

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